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Q:Why do I continually date men who attempt to control me, my thinking and my
actions. I convince myself that I will never date another man like that but then I always end up
with someone who fits the same mold. Why?
Dating Doctor:As we have grown older, many of us have been exposed to unhealthy, dysfunctional
or damaging relationships for much of our adult lives. Whether it was by observing our parents,
neighbors or relatives (as divorce rates soared), by watching television, movies and the news or
by reading magazines and newspapers, we have been subjected to a significant number of unhealthy
relationships (the Clinton's, O.J. and Nicole, Liz Taylor, Roseanne, . . . etc.). This continuous
negative programming has caused many of us to develop permanent characteristics in our
personalities that drive us to practice self-defeating behaviors. We are either sabotaging our
healthy relationships, or maintaining abusive relationships because our internal programming knows
no differently.
No one wakes up in the morning and says , "Gee, I hope I get treated poorly today." Nobody leaves
work, goes to a social gathering and says, "Aah, I would like to find the biggest jerk in the room
as my potential mate." No one goes home and says, "Oh joy, I am only going to get one black eye
tonight." This is not a conscious process. This is a learned behavior. Despite a person's best
efforts to change and to divert from their past ways, inevitably their on-board computer (their
brain) continues to practice what is familiar because it is the only programming it has ever known.
What is control and why do we allow others to take it with us? Control comes from fear, and fear
develops from a lack of faith. Think of an aspect of your life in which you place tremendous
faith. Do you also fear it with that same intensity? Doubtful. There are two primary fears that
we face. First, we are afraid that we will not get something that we want and secondly, we are
afraid that we will lose something that we already have. When we don't trust an outcome, we are
consumed by fear. This fear drives us to control situations and others, at all costs, in order to
guarantee the result that we desire.
In life, we move in the direction of our predominant thought. Thus, your thought must be to meet
the type of person that you desire in circumstances that are comfortable for you. Focus on the
qualities you are seeking and refuse to deviate from your minimum standards. You may have learned
to compromise your happiness in the past, and accept what (and who) you "felt" you deserved, but
it's time to change your programming, lose the fear and experience the relationships you deserve.
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