 | - Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
- Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
- Don't ever notice anything.
- If you're going out with someone but you love someone else , don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
- Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
- Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
- Lie.
- If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
- Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
- If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
- Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
- Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
- Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
- If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
- Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
- If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
- Beer. Then more beer.
- If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
- Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
- Lie.
- If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
- Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
- If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
- The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
- Default facial expression: blank stare.
- Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
- If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
- Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
- Beer. Then more beer.
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