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A Standardized Guide to the Bases      
  advice · humor · the bases

   Remember way back when, in the days of middle and high school, when it was all about getting to the bases?Well, the long lost art of relating sexual experiences to baseball is making a comebackand we've got the explanations for you...

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
  • First Base
    This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
  • Second Base
    Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
  • Third Base
    Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
  • Home Run
    This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

   Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and newfactors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

  • On Deck - Having plans for a date
  • Strike-Out - Duh!!
  • Walk - Kissing
  • Bunt - Masturbation
  • Single - Tongue kissing
  • Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
  • Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
  • Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
  • Home Run - SEX!
  • Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
  • Error - Condom breaks during sex
  • Banned for life for gambling - Sex without a condom
  • Hall of Fame - Marriage

   Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days:
  • Balk - Premature ejaculation
  • Pine Tar - KY jelly
  • Relief pitcher - Vibrator
  • Rain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
  • Box Seats - Waterbed
  • Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
  • Rookie - Virgin
  • Minor Leagues - Under 18
  • Loaded Bases - manage a trois
  • Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
  • Foul tip - VD
  • Three up and three down - Impotency

   Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY: We um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY: First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY: So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Reprinted with permission from World.STD.com

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