Dating Tips For Single Christian Men
advice · humor · tips
If you have grown up in a Christian home that believes in the Holy Bible, then most
certainly, you have limited yourself to chaperoned dating until the age of 21. If you are
truly saved, it is not until your 21st birthday, that the thought of dating someone without
adult supervision would even enter your mind.
These tips are for Christian men, age 21 or older. If you are truely saved, you are
looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You
are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the
Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a
woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your
income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey,
for there is no other way for a marriage to honor God without following the strict Biblical
principles that God has laid out for us in the Bible.
If you have found such a creature and she is not bobbed of hair, nor wont for excess in
make-up or lewd attire, then you must prepare yourself for a first date. Here are a few
tips to get you prepared for your first date.
DATING TIPS FOR CHRISTIAN MEN
1. COMB YOUR HAIR-
Head lice are very common among
Christian men. Although it is a normal
and natural blessing from God to have
head lice, you should certainly wash
your hair before your date if only for the
reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the
young lady while lifting to scratch your head.
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary
prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to
guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control
your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before
the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate
on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your
prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here
for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.
3. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION-
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make
certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or
knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or
underneath your anus. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that
the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter
your anus - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize
yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.
4. PURCHASE A RING-
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the
Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right
gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is
always handy to have the engagement ring available.
5. RECITE VERSES-
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence
to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are
impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a
sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to
your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to
the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a
tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away
during the night.
6. SPRUCE UP!-
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available
is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not
have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you
smell like the pages.
7. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD-
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed
your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her
to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at
8. GRILL HER FAITH-
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is
really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make
sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the
exact minute) she met Jesus.
9. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED-
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit,
excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the
10. PRACTICE YOUR LINES-
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex
are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus,"
"Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11:
11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet
11. AVOID TOUCHING!-
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first
date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly
recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at
least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked
away on your honeymoon!
Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that
is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.
Reprinted with permission from Landover Baptist.